Frequently Uttered Questions (FUQs)

When BloodyIndian.com was in its prime, the Minkey Chief received many e-mails and comments seething with outrage and asking the same questions over and over.

1) Who the hell are you, Minkey Chief?

Who are you, meaning? What's my real name? In my minkey tribe, I'm just called Chief. So, to you sir, I'm the Minkey Chief. If you really want to know more about me, write to my editor, Gautam Raja, on his---YAWN!---boring side of this site. [Just be grateful they don't see the state your copy is in when you send it-Ed.]

2) Who the hell is expected to read this crap?

The site is for anybody wishing to learn more about the Bliddy Indian. Maybe you're Indian yourself and want a little insight into the actions of your self, friends and family.

Maybe you work with Indians and want to learn more about why they make your blood boil.

Maybe you're moving to India, or about to holiday in India and want to meet the people.

Or maybe you're that idiot who ruined my last holiday with your filthy, selfish habits and I want to shame you in public.

3) Who the hell are you to talk about Indians in this way?

Oh I'm a Bliddy Indian too; I have no claim to superiority. Maybe this site is a way for me to get more in touch with my Bliddy Indian self. I exhibit several important characteristics.

a) Show me free food and I'll eat it---whatever it is. Even if it's the caked, congealed tail-end of a buffet, I'll scrape myself a decent helping and chow down, just because it's free. And if there's a chance of a free meal, I'll do foolish and humiliating things to get it. I'll bark like a dog. I'll attend press conferences at which I'll talk to the painted PR. I'll gatecrash dinner invitations with friends. I'll rummage through stranger's refrigerators.

b) I never let a hotel room stay cluttered with all those shampoos and conditioners---even though I KNOW I'll never use them myself. However, unlike many Bliddy Indians, I know that taking the little booze bottles from the minibar is a big no-no.

(If a Bliddy Indian makes this error, he or she will put those bottles in the home "showcase" where they will remain for several decades. And one day, the great, great grandchildren of the original hotel thief will say, "Oh what the hell, let's splash out" and open up the bottles… only to find that the alcohol evaporated away at some point in their father's childhood.)

c) If there's a way to do something cheaper or for no money, I'll find it. Few Indians are born without this talent. Once, I was living abroad and had to use a laundry room now and then for my clothes. The dryer took coins and sometimes, if the coins weren't put in at the right angle, they fell into some mysterious part of the dryer never to return. After much bending and peering I found out where those coins went and also discovered that I could retrieve them using a piece of Blu-Tac attached to a pencil. The use of the dryer was free for the rest of my stay there. And I got some pocket money for bacon-flavoured crisps from the machine.

d) Being somewhere between a prime-grade and faq-yu (see About) Bliddy Indian, I'm very snotty about my English. I instantly dismiss somebody who pronounces the "h" in "vehicle". And then, in typically Bliddy Indian fashion, I won't know that you don't pronounce the "h" in "vehement".

e) Once I've paid for something, I bloody well make sure I get my money's worth. If I've hired a car for four days, I'll make sure that I go driving every single day, even if I'm dying of exhaustion. If I've paid for a day tour, I make sure I spend the day touring, even it's 45 degrees C in the shade.

 

4) All this is fine, but why are you so cynical and negative? I hate your outlook.

Oh I'm so sorry that a delicate darling like you has been forced to come here by that nasty man standing behind you and threatening to bludgeon your pet rabbit to death with a pipe wrench unless you read and are offended by every post on this site.

I sincerely hope that once you're done here you'll go to all the porn sites you can find and post messages about the objectification and exploitation of women. Go to Bonsaikitten.com and tell them that it's just not funny. Find spammers and tell them that they are very naughty men.

Once you're done, your usefulness on Earth has come to an end. Make a large bowl of nice, warm vermicelli payasam, take it to the temple and gently dunk your head in it for at least one minute longer than you can hold your breath. Unless you're a free-diver, four minutes should be plenty.

Why vermicelli? Because the rice can get in your nose and choke you. Oh, and vermicelli payasum is much nicer---rice in payasum is like one-day-dead maggots.

5) How can you waste time and money on this site when there are people starving in India? Can't you use your time and talent to help them?

Why are you suddenly so concerned about how I spend my time and money? This site costs less to host a year than it does to have four drinks at an average Bangalore pub. Why didn't you come up to me when I was slugging my rum and colas and tell me not to waste my money on booze when I could be building nursery schools in outer Doddagutlihalli?

And regarding my time, before this site, I used to spend my days lying on my bed and gazing at the ceiling. Where were you then, when I needed you the most? Huh? If you'd come to me then I could have joined you where you are now, undoubtably in the poorest parts of India (but not so poor as to not be within driving distance of an internet café) where you build walls from shovelled shit and teach children how to read by the light of the shine in your eyes.

6) Are minkeys the same as monkeys?

That depends. Are dinkeys the same as donkeys? Are pinkies the same as ponkies? If donkey died, would your father cry? Ponder this: If a tree fell on a monkey in a forest and nobody heard it scream, would it feel any pain? No you idiot, minkeys aren't the same as monkeys because minkeys ARE monkeys.