Indians abroad
Driven crazy

By the Minkey Chief

All Bloody Indian men think they are fantastic drivers. Even the ones who don't know how to drive. A non-driving Bloody Indian in the US was once heard to say, "I'll be able to pick up driving really easily here because I know all the routes." (He said "raotes".)

He was a constant backseat driver, telling you to wait, telling you to go, telling you to stop… IT'S A RED LIGHT - WHY WOULDN'T I STOP??? IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME TO STOP AT RED LIGHTS, WHY DID YOU ASK ME TO DROP YOU? TAKE A TAXI THEN, OR ARE YOU TOO CHEAP FOR THAT?

Those IT boys are leaving our shores and causing mayhem on the roads of the US. They believe they know all there is to know about driving, and regularly run through stop signs, turn onto main roads without looking, change lanes without indicating and think a blind spot is the parking space with the big blue wheelchair sign on it.

Good driving here, and there
A "good driver" in most societies means somebody who is courteous, aware and safe, but firm. A "good driver" in Bliddy India is somebody who steers with one finger, drives with an elbow on the window, spins the wheels at standing starts and changes gears using G-force alone. Bliddy Indians love using the word "control" in this context: "He has great control yaar".

As a result, some rental companies in the US have started refusing to hire cars to Indian IT boys. Some IT companies have got tired of paying insurance and now use shuttles for their employees.

The number of accidents is astounding. It's all the Americans' fault of course. "They don't know how to drive men. They keep stopping even when there is no traffic on the road. They drive inside those white lines men - don't they know the car is supposed to be over the lines? Eh, why are you waiting men? Just go."

You don't know how to drive and you have so much to say? And also, Vinod Chopra, after you get out, you don't need to slam the door so hard. This isn't your Kailash uncle's Premier Padmini from the year 1940. It isn't the door of the Godrej cupboard that your ancestors hid in during the Sepoy Mutiny. It's a modern car with doors that close with just a push. You slam the door like that again, I'll cut it off using the boot lid - you'll find out why we Bliddy Indians call it a dicky.

Real driving tests
I lived for a few years in a country that had a lot of Blidddy Indians, and also a reasonably difficult driving test. Certainly more difficult than the one I had in India, where the examiner stood on the third floor of the RTO and watched me drive out of the parking lot, around the lane outside (where I was hidden from view most of the way) and back in again. I passed because I remembered to stick my hand out of the window and wave it up and down to signal I was slowing down, and then held it up to signal I was stopping. The man walking in front of my car carrying a red flag did a great job, so I tipped him well.

I met many Bliddy Indians who were new to country and needed a licence. I became adept at guessing how many tries each person would need. The ones who needed to learn how to drive from scratch, and/or who were a little nervous before the test, got it fast. Sometimes even on the first go. Most of the women, unless totally uncoordinated, got it in three tries or fewer. The people who did the worst were the men who already knew how to drive.

One chap told me, "I used to drive in India - I could steer with just one hand man - I'm good. I'll get it first or second try."

"Ten tests minimum, you fool," I said.

We bet. I won. The twit backed out and didn't shave his head.

Most of these people were too bloody minded to learn from their mistakes. There was a little bit of bias against Indians in that country. This would be their excuse. "Bastard examiner, I didn't do anything wrong. He failed me. Nothing I did men, nothing - and that gandu failed me."

"There must have been something."

"No man nothing! I just went the wrong way up a one-way, but otherwise nothing men, nothing."

"So you went the wrong way up a one-way?"

"Yes, but he failed me because he hates Indians." MC